Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
whose ass print is on the piano?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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