I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
