oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
