I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
