I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
