I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
