why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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