last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
