Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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