Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
