remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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