They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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