The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
