you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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