dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
