I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
