I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.