I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Your cock deserves a montage
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
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