I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
we're so committed to being not committed
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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