I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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