he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
