I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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