If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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