he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
