I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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