I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
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