thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I need to stop coming to work sober
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
