One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
