my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
