Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
