I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
