if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Randomize
