Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
only if we run a train.
done.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
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When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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