Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
