Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
