I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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