WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
