tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
