You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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