i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
