he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
