i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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