my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
