I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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