How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.