There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.