Please, let me fuck your mom
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
my shit smells like andre
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night