I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.