If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
