you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
