Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
