I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Sorry my hands just texted you
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
