When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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