saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
