so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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