i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
