Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Ladies don't puke and tell
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
