So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
