pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
