I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Randomize
